if this is a nightmare please wake me up

the tumor is large, 7-8 cm in diameter, pressuring a large part of her right temporal lobe.  she is currently coherent and physically stable, but it has impaired her cognitive abilities, her memory and verbal faculties.  she has lost some peripheral vision.  she is easily upset and irritable and showers my poor father with insults.  she is irate with the staff at Bethesda, for which i cannot blame her. they have failed to exhibit any degree of concern or urgency, and neglected to communicate very basic information with us.  last night they sedated her without her permission (or ours; dad had stepped outside to pick me up from the curb.)  today they lied to her about the sedation; clearly this does nothing to promote her trust or calm her anxiety.

i heard that she refused the MRI yesterday, convinced that it was another form of unnecessary persecution.  (without any explanation, she was denied food or water for nearly 40 hours after admission; the patient-physician communication here has been very poor.)  she accepted it this morning; they came for her two and a half hours behind schedule.  there was no word from the neurosurgery department thereafter for eight or nine hours.  in the afternoon we were seen by a hospitalist who regretfully informed us that he had no specific information to provide whatsoever.  my inquiries of the staff as to when a neurosurgeon would be available to discuss the results of the MRI with us were balked by insistences that no one was available, that they were not contactible. 

ironically, when we WERE attended, it was because my father called the pastor of the taiwanese church, who counts one of the neurosurgeons from this hospital among his flock.  dr. li, who is currently in taiwan, called his department and asked the RN and dr. horn, a fellow surgeon, to look in on my mother and discuss the results of the scan.  the nurse was wonderfully sympathetic and patient and did much to soothe my poor mother's anxieties.   prior to dr. li's call and instructions, we were told that no surgeon would be available before 10 a.m. the next day.

i arrived close to midnight last night.  i am sleeping on the couch in her room again tonight.  last night and for most of today, she was in a drugged sleep. she woke late this afternoon, and i have spent the evening watching the querulous, irascible, irrational mockery of a woman who prided herself on her logical reasoning and her trilingualism.  my head aches from crying.  my heart aches for my father.  i am filled with frustration with the staff and a miserable certainty that the prognosis, when it comes, cannot be good. 

this is hell, with free jello and clean bathrooms.

do not feel pressed to extend your sympathies; i have no capacity to absorb them.  if you like, you may pray.  there is nothing we can do until thursday, when dr. li returns and will assume her case.  i am reachable by e-mail-- i will be using this laptop in a bid for distraction; for once my escapism is justified.

my brother is a pear, my dad is a bear, in other words, I LOVE MY FAMILY SO SO MUCH

Harvie: Dad miss you so much he bought a stuffed dog** from Ikea the other day.
He put the dog on the sofa, that is staring at the stairs everytime he comes down from upstairs
the dog is very huggable, Dad said when Q* is not home, he can hug that instead

* Q = short for QT (cutie), Mom's rather saccharine nickname for me.  i objected on the grounds that it violated my dignity, so she shorted it to Q, and occasionally calls me QQQ or triple Q by means of variety.  Mom has only two modes: terrifying and adorable.
** i was born in 1982, year of the dog.  so in my family, when anyone talks about the dog? THAT'S ME. XD



Me to a friend--

i hope this means it won't be another dry winter

i've given up talking about the market altogether.

 me:  asdlkfjal;kjdl;j;aklsdj GOD IS NOT FAIR OK

 me:  anyhow he's hot, ok i didn't say he was a prudent man of high morals